The Ultimate List of Funny Jesus Quotes to Brighten Your Day

Jesus is the Son of God and a human being who experienced joy, sorrow, anger, and laughter. He had a sense of humour that often surprised and delighted his followers. He used jokes, parables, and irony to teach, challenge, and comfort them.

This article will explore some of the funniest quotes from Jesus and about Jesus. These quotes come from various sources, such as the Bible, Christian leaders and authors, and pop culture and media. They will show you different aspects of Jesus’ personality and message, hopefully making you smile and laugh.

Reading funny Jesus quotes can brighten your day and lift your spirits. It can also help you appreciate the humor and wisdom of Jesus and his followers. So, sit back, relax, and enjoy the ultimate list of funny Jesus quotes.

Funny Jesus quotes from the Bible.

  1. “And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own?” – Matthew 7:3
  2. “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone rich to enter the kingdom of God.” – Matthew 19:24
  3. “You blind guides! You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel.” – Matthew 23:24
  4. “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone?” – Matthew 7:9
  5. “Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s and to God the things that are God’s.” – Matthew 22:21
  6. “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” – Mark 2:17
  7. “Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God. But woe to you who are rich, for you have already received your comfort.” – Luke 6:20-24
  8. “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labour or spin.” – Matthew 6:28
  9. “If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.” – Matthew 5:39
  10. “You must be born again.” – John 3:7
  11. “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.” – Luke 9:58
  12. “Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves.” – Matthew 7:15
  13. “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move.” – Matthew 17:20
  14. “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.” – Mark 2:27
  15. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your eye?” – Matthew 7:3
  16. “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” – Matthew 19:14
  17. “But many who are first will be last, and the last first.” – Matthew 19:30
  18. “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” – Matthew 18:3
  19. “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” – Mark 2:17
  20. “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” – Mark 10:45
  21. “Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” – Matthew 6:27
  22. “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you.” – Luke 6:27
  23. “But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” – Matthew 5:44
  24. “For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.” – Matthew 23:12
  25. “Do not judge, or you too will be judged.” – Matthew 7:1
  26. “Why do you call me good? No one is good—except God alone.” – Mark 10:18
  27. “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” – John 8:7
  28. “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” – Mark 2:17
  29. “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.” – Mark 10:21
  30. “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.” – Matthew 19:21

Funny Jesus Quotes from Christian Leaders and Authors

  1. “I’m not sure Jesus can use us if our lips are permanently pursed.” – Bob Goff
  2. “Jesus didn’t promise to change the circumstances around us. He promised great peace and pure joy to those who would learn to believe that God controls all things.” – Corrie Ten Boom
  3. “If Jesus rose from the dead, then you have to accept all that he said; if he didn’t rise from the dead, then why worry about any of what he said? The issue on which everything hangs is not whether or not you like his teaching but whether or not he rose from the dead.” – Timothy Keller
  4. “Jesus Christ never failed me yet. Trust Him, brother, trust Him.” – Hudson Taylor.
  5. “If we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at sea. We are far too easily pleased.” – C.S. Lewis.
  6. “Jesus came into the world not to make bad people good, but to make dead people alive.” – Ravi Zacharias.
  7. “We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another.” – Jonathan Swift.
  8. “Jesus is ideal and wonderful, but you Christians – you are not like him.” – Mahatma Gandhi.
  9. “God proved his love on the Cross. When Christ hung and bled and died, it was God saying to the world, ‘I love you.'” – Billy Graham
  10. “The Christian does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us.” – C.S. Lewis.
  11. “Crucified People are supposed to die. If you come down alive, you’re in business.” – Tony Campolo.
  12. “Preach the Gospel at all times, and when necessary, use words.” – St. Francis of Assisi.
  13. “There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects children’s infernal demand for revenge on the adult world.” – Jean Baudrillard.
  14. “Jesus said to love one another. He didn’t say love the whole world.” – Mother Teresa.
  15. “Never forget that the joy of the Lord is your strength.” – Mother Angelica.
  16. “Life is wasted if we do not grasp the glory of the Cross, cherish it for the treasure that it is, and cleave to it as the highest price of every pleasure and the deepest comfort in every pain. What was once foolishness to us—a crucified God—must become our wisdom, power, and only boast in this world.” – John Piper.
  17. “I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.” – Mother Teresa.
  18. “The Bible shows the way to go to heaven, not the way the heavens go.” – Galileo Galilei.
  19. “We must alter our lives to alter our hearts, for it is impossible to live one way and pray another.” – William Law.
  20. “When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure.” – Peter Marshall.
  21. “The Christian life is not a constant high. I have my moments of deep discouragement. I have to go to God in prayer with tears in my eyes, and say, ‘O God, forgive me,’ or ‘Help me.'” – Billy Graham
  22. “To be a Christian without prayer is no more possible than to be alive without breathing.” – Martin Luther.
  23. “Don’t dig up in doubt what you planted in faith.” – Elisabeth Elliot
  24. “We never grow closer to God when we just live life. It takes deliberate pursuit and attentiveness.” – Francis Chan
  25. “The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.” – Bernard of Clairvaux
  26. “The fact that our heart yearns for something Earth can’t supply is proof that Heaven must be our home.” – C.S. Lewis
  27. “The Christian life is not a constant high. I have my moments of deep discouragement. I have to go to God in prayer with tears in my eyes, and say, ‘O God, forgive me,’ or ‘Help me.'” – Billy Graham
  28. “I’m just a nobody, trying to tell everybody all about Somebody who saved my soul.” – Matthew West
  29. “It is not the strength of your faith but the object of your faith that saves you.” – Timothy Keller
  30. “Don’t shine so that others can see you. Shine so that through you, others can see Him.” – C.S. Lewis

Funny Jesus quotes from pop culture and media

  1. “Jesus saves… and takes half damage!” – Unknown
  2. “I asked Jesus, ‘How much do you love me?’ He said, ‘This much.’ Then he stretched out his arms and died.” – Unknown
  3. “Jesus loves you, but I’m his favorite.” – Unknown
  4. “Jesus, protect me from your followers.” – Bumper sticker
  5. “Jesus walks into a hotel. He hands the innkeeper three nails and asks, ‘Can you put me up for the night?'” – Unknown
  6. “Jesus is coming. Look busy!” – Bumper sticker
  7. “Why did Jesus cross the road? To get to the other side, of course!” – Unknown.
  8. “Jesus: the original ‘Big Guy Upstairs.'” – Unknown
  9. “Jesus may love you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.” – Bumper sticker
  10. “Jesus is my homeboy.” – T-shirt slogan
  11. “Jesus is my copilot, but we crashed in the desert, and I had to eat him.” – Bumper sticker.
  12. “Jesus is coming back… look busy!” – Unknown.
  13. “Keep calm and trust Jesus. He has a plan, even if you’re not in it.” – Unknown.
  14. “Whoever said ‘money can’t buy happiness’ clearly hasn’t met my credit card bill. Jesus, take the wheel!” – Unknown.
  15. “Jesus: the only man who can make water into wine and turn a fish into a buffet.” – Unknown
  16. “I asked Jesus for a bike. But I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Unknown.
  17. “Jesus is my lifeguard. He walks on water.” – Unknown
  18. “Jesus loves you, but I’m his favorite bartender.” – Unknown
  19. “WWJD? Probably laugh at this joke.” – Unknown
  20. “Jesus loves you, but I’m his favorite.” – Unknown
  21. “Jesus is like duct tape: he fixes everything.” – Unknown
  22. “If Jesus had a podcast, would it be a ‘sermon-cast’?” – Unknown
  23. “Jesus saves… but Moses invests.” – Unknown
  24. “If Jesus is the answer, what is the question?” – Unknown
  25. “Jesus is my copilot, but we’re cruising in a bumper car.” – Unknown
  26. “Jesus is the reason I’m nailed to the cross.” – Unknown
  27. “Jesus is coming! Look busy and pretend we’re all friends!” – Unknown
  28. “I’m not religious, but I believe in the power of the beard. Just look at Jesus!” – Unknown
  29. “Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an idiot.” – Unknown
  30. “I found Jesus… he was behind the couch the whole time!” – Unknown

Short, funny Jesus quotes

  1.  “Blessed are the cheesemakers, for they shall inherit the earth.” – Jesus, probably.
  2. “I’m not saying it was aliens, but it was aliens,” said Jesus, explaining the resurrection.
  3.  “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Unless they’re jerks, do unto them as they did unto you.” – Jesus, giving some real talk.
  4.  “Love your enemies, but don’t let them borrow your stuff.” – Jesus, being practical.
  5. “Don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Just focus on today, and try not to screw up too much.” – Jesus, offering some advice.
  6. “I came to bring peace, not a sword. But if you mess with me, I’ll cut you.” – Jesus, showing some attitude.
  7.  “Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do. But seriously, what were they thinking?” – Jesus, on the Cross.
  8.  “Ask, and you shall receive. Seek, and you shall find. Knock, and the door shall be opened unless it’s locked. Then you’re out of luck.” – Jesus, being realistic.
  9.  “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. And no, there are no shortcuts.” – Jesus, laying down the law.
  10.  “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. But be careful, those things hurt.” – Jesus, warning the crowd.
  11.  “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God. But don’t worry, I have a huge needle.” – Jesus, being optimistic.
  12.  “You are the salt of the earth. But how can the salt be made salty again if it loses saltiness? I don’t know, maybe add some more salt?” – Jesus, being sarcastic.”You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Unless they’re playing hide and seek.” – Jesus, being playful.
  13.  “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry. And whoever believes in me will never be thirsty unless you’re on a diet. Then you’re on your own.” – Jesus, being honest.
  14.  “I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. The bad shepherd runs away when he sees the wolf. And the ugly shepherd, well, let’s not talk about him.” – Jesus, being funny.
  15. “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit. But if you don’t, you’ll wither and die—no pressure.” – Jesus, being encouraging.
  16.  “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live even though they die. And whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this? If not, too bad.” – Jesus, being blunt.
  17.  “I am the alpha and the omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end. And everything in between. I’m a big deal.” – Jesus, being humble.
  18.  “For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. That’s right, I’m a gift. You’re welcome.” – Jesus, being generous.
  19.  “In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. And by overcome, I mean kicked its butt.” – Jesus, being badass.
  20.  “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. And love your neighbor as yourself. But not in a creepy way.” – Jesus, being transparent.
  21.  “Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s, and to God what is God’s. And to me, what is mine? Which is everything.” – Jesus, being possessive.
  22.  “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves, take their Cross., Crossollow me. And by Cross, Crossan is a literal wooden cross. Not some metaphorical burden. This is not a drill.” – Jesus, being serious.
  23.  “Who do you say I am? Some say John the Baptist; others say Elijah; and others say Jeremiah or one of the prophets. But what about you? And don’t say Kanye.” – Jesus, being curious.
  24.  “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. And by little children, I mean innocent and humble. Not annoying and loud.” – Jesus, being specific.
  25.  “Truly, I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me. And whatever you didn’t do for them, you didn’t do for me. And I’m keeping score.” – Jesus, being fair.
  26.  “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged; with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. And trust me, you don’t want that.” – Jesus, being stern.
  27.  “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. And if you don’t, well, that’s your problem.” – Jesus, being cool.
  28.  “I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. They will come in and go out and find pasture. And by pasture, I mean green grass. Not weed.” – Jesus, being hip.
  29.  “I am the king of the Jews. And the Gentiles. And the whole world. And the universe. And beyond. Yeah, I’m pretty awesome.” – Jesus, being modest.

Humor, funny Jesus quotes.

  1. “Blessed are the cheesemakers.” – Monty Python’s Life of Brian (1979)
  2. “I am the bread of life. He who comes to me shall never go hungry, and he who believes in me shall never go thirsty… unless it’s Taco Tuesday.”
  3. “Turn the other cheek? Sometimes, I want to turn the tables at the temple.”
  4. “Why did I feed 5,000 with just five loaves and two fish? Because I couldn’t afford catering.”
  5. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you… unless you’re an introvert, then text them.”
  6. “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you… or unfollow them on social media.”
  7. “I am the way, the truth, and the life. Also, I have the WiFi password. Ask, and you shall receive.”
  8. “It’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven… but nowadays, even camels use online shopping.”
  9. “Take up your cross and follow me… but make sure it’s not during rush hour.”
  10. “Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Instead, worry about what you’re going to binge-watch tonight.”
  11. “I am the resurrection and the life… but seriously, did anyone bring snacks?”
  12. “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone… or at least use it to skip across the river.”
  13. “Render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s… unless it’s a pizza, then it’s all mine.”
  14. “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened to you… unless it’s my day off, then come back tomorrow.”
  15. “Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do… and sometimes, neither do I.”

Funny Jesus birthday quotes

  1. “Another year older and still turning water into wine. Happy birthday, Jesus!”
  2. “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. Happy birthday, Jesus!”
  3. “May your birthday be as miraculous as your virgin birth, Jesus!”
  4. “They say age is just a number, but I’m pretty sure you invented numbers, Jesus. Happy birthday!”
  5. “Wishing you a birthday filled with heavenly blessings and a cake as sweet as manna from heaven. Happy birthday, Jesus!”
  6. “Happy birthday, Jesus! You don’t look a day over 2019.”
  7. “On your special day, Jesus, we’re all just grateful you didn’t decide to turn water into prune juice.”
  8. “Another year closer to the big resurrection! Happy birthday, Jesus!”
  9. “They say it’s your birthday, Jesus. We’re going to have a good time. Just don’t turn our water into wine too early!”
  10. “Happy birthday, Jesus! May your day be as bright as the Star of Bethlehem and your cake as fluffy as the clouds above.”

Funny Jesus sayings

  1. “Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Instead, worry about what you’re going to binge-watch tonight.”
  2. “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you… or unfollow them on social media.”
  3. “Turn the other cheek? Sometimes, I want to turn the tables at the temple.”
  4. “Blessed are the cheesemakers.” – A playful nod to Monty Python’s Life of Brian.
  5. “I am the WiFi password. Ask, and you shall receive.”
  6. “Take up your cross and follow me… but make sure it’s not during rush hour.”
  7. “Why did I feed 5,000 with just five loaves and two fish? Because I couldn’t afford catering.”
  8. “Render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s… unless it’s a pizza, then it’s all mine.”
  9. “Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do… and sometimes, neither do I.”
  10. “It’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven… but nowadays, even camels use online shopping.”

conclusion

In this article, we have explored some of the funniest quotes from Jesus and about Jesus. These quotes come from various sources, such as the Bible, Christian leaders and authors, and pop culture and media. They have shown us different aspects of Jesus’ personality and message, hopefully making us smile and laugh.

Reading funny Jesus quotes can brighten our day and lift our spirits. It can also help us appreciate the humor and wisdom of Jesus and his followers. Jesus is the Son of God and a human being who experienced joy, sorrow, anger, and laughter. He had a sense of humor that often surprised and delighted his followers. He used jokes, parables, and irony to teach, challenge, and comfort them.

We hope you enjoyed the ultimate list of funny Jesus quotes. If you did, please share this article with your friends and family. You can also comment below and tell us your favorite funny Jesus quote. And remember, laughter is good medicine, especially from the Lord.

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